Use caution!

Again I uploaded a picture created by this young man who calls his blog "Lost Puppy's Liar."
This picture represents what I feel now... advancing towards the dangerous and overwhelming Ocean... having too much on my plate, trying to keep in balance my work and my personal life. Slowly the work takes over and comes dangerously close, like the water invading the hall. I try to keep a good track in my calendar of what I must do next, but sometimes I feel PMS (Poor Management Syndrome - this is from a cute little card I found in the bookstore). There are moments when I feel sweating just because I remember something I completely forgot. I remember that I did not look in my calendar to see the next task. Perhaps I should program my cell phone to call myself to remind me to look in my calendar :-) Isn't this crazy? And where is my personal life? Oh, there is not listed in my calendar! Nights are shorter and shorter, as my walks with Taylor. Only the Saturday mornings get a little longer, and I wonder if Taylor knows when is Saturday? She might since only Saturdays we go to the long roads that she loves.

Then I feel frustration since I try to be flexible and in the same time to accommodate my students. Of course I am aware that when I am loved by half of the class, then the other half will hate me. Perhaps is an utopic desire to have a perfect course? This semester it seems I have a hit with my undergraduates. I feel we talk the same language :-) They are active and I feel all of us enjoy our meetings on Monday and Wednesday. I use similar methods for graduates, and my feeling is that I have some who love me dearly and some who can't stand the class. Students come with the schema that the teacher is there to "teach" and teaching means delivering information, lecturing, telling the students what, how, and when. I try to be flexible, not giving too many directions, guidelines, but giving suggestions about what I would expect as a good performance. I do not evaluate for product as much as I evaluate the process. Some of my students complained that they need me to teach, have me tell them their grades up till now. I gave this class tons of feedback (verbal and written feedback), on their discussion board, on their class discussions, and workshops. I gave them points on the discussions. But I will have grades only at the end of semester. I wonder why the feedback I already provided cannot be mentally transformed by them into grade standing? And why is so important to know if they have A, B, or C, if I tell them that I am interested in how their performances improve over the semester. Perhaps if one has a B then that one should not work more for the A? My feedback is like a sandwich: what is good, what is bad, and how to improve the later one. I told them that I am looking not only for the quantity of participation, but also (and mostly) on the quality of participation. I have some good overachievers who push farther than I expect someone would do for an A. And I have the ones who feel uncomfortable that they do not know if they have a C or a B today. Perhaps it is much harder than I tought to change the schema about what teaching means. Last semester they complained I lecture too much, this semester they complain I don't lecture enough... perhaps in the middle of the road... but each semester is another group of students with other expectations, and other schema about what teaching means.

Freedom to say "No"

In order to be truly free I need to learn to say "No." Especially if I do not want to suffer of "cronic procrastination" and blame myself that I am forver behind my work :-)
In theory I know it should be that way, in theory I know what to do, in theory I know I should be free to say "No," and not feel guilty... In reality I do all the reverse. This weekend, as in other weekends also, I accepted to be "pushed" into programs that I don't really search for and now I will spend couple of evenings and late night to compensate for the time lost over the weekend. I know I am free to make choices, and once I make them I am also free to change my mind. Or once I decide then I have to take responsibility for my choice and not feel guilty, or better said make a decision that would never bring me to guilt feelings. Making a decision is not an easy act to do. I might have a bias in perception. Better said self-perception. Since I use a schema about what a "good person" should look and act like. Then using a top-down processing, and of course using this stereotype about that "good person" I box myself into behaviors that "should be done" in order to be that person.

I was thinking what really freedom means, and what price should we pay for it? When do I feel free? Mostly in the weekends on my morning walk with Taylor, when I know we have plenty of time to take the long road to walk and just watch the green grass, the birds, squirrels, and flowers. I can think of past, and future projects. I can just enjoy being!
That is freedom!

If we want to be free we need to make decisions and then take responsibility and most of all we need to not feel guilty. The feeling of guilt comes exactly from that stereotype we use to categorize ourself. Perhaps a leap of faith is needed, to not care about how other ones will see us.

In searching for these images to represent what I want to say I found a web site of a student. There are a couple of interesting images that I like. Perhaps you would like to take a look at them.

Power outage

Yesterday before I left to school we were left without electric power. I turned on the radio for Taylor, plugged on directly the lamp, and turned on a light, thinking the power will be back soon. Other times was back in 10-15 minutes.
To my surprise when I arrived home after 9PM from school, I noticed right away that our block of houses was in complete darkness - the heavy clouds and night helped also.
In the house was even darker with the blinds shut. Taylor was barking at my footsteps scared of intruders. This was her first ever complete darkness with no lights and radio on.

First I discovered my only flashlight, which is in my car, had no batteries - charged last time when I left from Tucson in mid July 2005. I searched for candles and matches, thank God for candles. Then slowly in the candle light I discovered how electric based is my house. It was dark and cold, my heating is based on electricity also. I could not warm anything up since the stove and microwave are electric also. The fridge was slowly melting, and I even could not open a can of food - the by hand can opener broke and I bought an electric one thinking it is stronger.
I played a little with Taylor then since it was too cold we made the bed and put all candles under the night lamp and read Newsweek about Freud. What an appropriate theme for the mystery of candle light reading. I remembered the old times back in Romania when the communists were trying hard to save electricity and each day between 5-7PM everything was out of power. All shops and work places had the schedule accordingly. The only ones who had power were hospitals who had special generators (that only after many complains, and only the ER and ICU units had the power). We used to have the oil laps, candles, and flash lights handy. Slowly our eyes got used to the switch from electric light to candle light. I remember I was able to read pretty well without having sore eyes. We got around it, we even did not complain after a while, it was just annoying. I remember because of that I stayed once the entire two hours in an elevator. The power went out ten minutes before the usual 5PM ( they sometimes were trying to turn off earlier and turn on later the power). Imagine being in a elevator in complete darkness, not being able to see your hand, nothing. Being complete quiet, since everyone made sure they are in the home by 5PM. Having two hours to think about my life, and be mad at communists :-)

Last night I learned that I am not prepared for any kind of emergency. Perhaps is time to go shopping :-)

The beautiful helper

I feel this semester, because of the blog assignment for the midterm, I had no questions of "why did I get ... points and not more?" I think this is because what my eyes see all other 28 students' eyes in the class can see.



As you remember I asked them as part of their midterm assignment to post the exam on blog, and also they had the 4 comments to be posted on 4 different colleagues' blogs.
This way they learn from each other, and they are also able to compare their production with other students in class.
Next, for the final exam I gave each students a different question. The same 4 different comments need to be posted. So each student will learn about 5 topics. Isn't that great?

I tested this last semester with grad students doing paper exams, and then critiquing one other paper ( I had a small class and all critiques were anonymous to control their bias, no one knew what topics each has to write on - now hope they did not talk to each other about that). So it is possible to do it on paper also, but the blog is easier and I think much faster since students started already posting, and in consequence making already comments. And since I try to keep up with all of them, I give them constant feedback after each of their postings (I use bloglines). This way those who start early have the opportunity to improve their presentation for the final. Of course I gave last semester the opportunity for the paper exam also (it's interesting they did not take advantage of my feedback as in the blog exam - I suppose they started writing late in the semester close to deadline).
I experience technology being a wonderful helper in my teaching.
And I really enjoy it! But don't ask me how much more time it takes me. Every morning and evening I check my bloglines account and give feedback to postings. I always have someone to give comments. More work for me, but I hope they learn more also.

Spring Equinox

Perhaps you expected me to show you cherries in flower, and here they are the white flowers of snow flakes on the branches....
In the weekend I saw the forsitia bush with luminescent yellow flowers. I forgot the camera when walking Taylor and yesterday I made a note to not forget to take the picture of the beautiful yellow bush. This morning when is the first day of Spring we woke up to a white fluffy and wet 10 " snow all over the place.
The yellow bush is heavy under the snow and the branches hold also white flowers of frosted snow. Taylor enjoys running in the white blanket and sniff the little squirrels footseps.
I was almost ready to clean and store my winter boots. I am glad I did not have time for that over this last weekend. Perhaps will not last long, but now we have a late winter for a while. My parents told me they had last week a foot of snow. Isn't that weird, not snow all Winter and now a big snow in the Spring. I am glad today I can stay in the home and catch up with all my paper work.

Resounding gong or a clashing cymbal

1 Corinthians
Chapter 13

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.
And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.
If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.
****************

I have two very good friends, both feel like a "resounding gong or a clashing cymbal" because they do not have the most important: Love. One of them has money to buy all the things he ever dreamed, they do have lots of things (I think they have too many, but that is my opinion). Painfully he discovered that being surrounded by wealth does not give him the happiness. The other one has no love and no money, which is a bad combination indeed. One of them has a partner who is a selfish, grouchy, controlling, wealth obbsessive, dominant freak. The other one had the misfortune of marrying his brides' family also, with all their problems. Both my friends do not have love. Without love wealth is empty and poverty is painful.

We all would like to have it all. Material things to keep us comfortable and allow us to feel powerful and important. Isn't that strange how material things can make us feel powerful? I think there might be some who have them both: things and love in the same time, and lots of both. God, they must be so happy!

I am in bigger debts than ever in my life, and in the same time I have more than ever. I do consider myself rich (now that compared with my life in Romania). I am also very glad that I am free, and finally I am able to let go and let God. Perhaps that is why God blessed me richly with more than I ever asked for, more than I expected. OK, I will not say "more than I ever dreamed" since I do dream of much more than I have :-) Hey, I am human!
I also learned that belongings, money, wealth, are all only Things! Now, they can make you feel good and comfortable but they cannot make you feel loved. It's good to have things around when you have Love. I know there are people who are happy just by having lots of things around. But then there are other ones like me, people who need Love to complete the happiness of their life.
I consider myself a happy and blessed person. I worked so hard in my life (especially the last 12 years) to accomlish a dream. I also learned to enjoy life. Perhaps I learned the hard way. I am not sure this came with knowledge, or with age :-) Might be only that I became older and wiser. Or might be just another blessing from above! I promised myself that I will work hard, but I will keep watching my work to make sure I enjoy what I do. I learned that we are free. That there are choices and decisions to make. That nothing and no thing (!) is forever!
I have things, a job, a happy little JRT who keeps me laughing, but as these my two friends, myself I don't have the most important: LOVE.

Remember UB

Today I had a very special visit: Professors Ron Gentile and Kay Johnson-Gentile (his wife) from Buffalo, NY. Professor Gentile was one of my loved teachers at UB, who followed my path, advised, and supported my work.
Dr. Kay Gentile is the sweeetes friend anyone could ask for, she kept me in her prayers and encouraged me in hard times.
They stopped at my house for a little bit in their way from Tucson, AZ to Buffalo, NY. Funny that after planning for so long that they will go to Tucson, they visited Tucson right after I moved away. I am glad they loved AZ and Tucson. It was so special to talk about UB and Tucson and have these common grounds. I feel so honored to have one of my former professors visiting me!
Professor Gentile looks the same as I know him, perhaps more relaxed and laughing that now he learned how to enjoy the time off, not feeling guilty for being in retirement. It was such a special day, so special joy to see both of them again. We reminisced about old times, hopes, accomplishments, and future plans. Such a long way from UB, via UA, to here at SIU-Edwardsville. What is next? That is in God's hands!
More than anything else, meeting my Professor, remembering, just being again his grad student, and looking back at the road bringing me all the way here makes me give thank to God. My dreams are accomplished, even if not the perfect way I dreamed about, but the goals are reached. What next?
Keep going, working, fighting, dreaming, hoping... sky is the limit.
Today I am who I am and where I am thank to God and my professors. It means they did a good job at that time when I was their student. Above all, God's hand was over me, guiding, helping, protecting me.
Thank to ALL!

My EPFR315 students :-)

I do enjoy the midterm on blog.
I really hope my students enjoy it also :-)
It is much more reading for me, since along with the postings each student had to post 4 comments on other classmates' blogs.



What I found interesting is that I gave them the two options (paper vs. blog) and only 2 (two) choose to do the paper version. One of them choose almost all reference sources as "Wikipedia". Oh, Goodness..... No points for those sources... :-(

Between those who did the blog I have some very poor (should I say "free style"?), but some are really good and I am very pleased. I think the good ones would have a good paper also. Compared to the quality of written papers of last year I found that the blogs are much better quality. I asked them to post a minimum of 500words/topic (6 topics). They choose the blog because the APA style paper should have been 10-15 pages. They were afraid of the length of paper and the best blogs are way beyond the 20 pages of a APA style midterm.
Isn't that something?
:-)

The purpose was to think about the theory, make a reflection, and show that they know how to apply the theory in practice. I really hope the goal was accomplished. Also I wanted to make sure they know what a blog is since the students they teach most of them have their own myspace blogs.

Since it is now Spring break I asked in the last day of class to give me feedback if they would like to modify the style of our classes after the break. They like the way it is, but want "more food" :-)
I used to take pretzels and candies to teach about behaviorism. I was surprised to have almost half of them asking for my minilectures (they say it makes them see the big picture and understand better), last semester they complained that they do not like lectures. Perhaps I have to settle for a middle of the road lecture. No longer than 30 minutes followed or preceded by the class activities.
I think the final exam will be a blog assignment also. I already gave the graduate group their assignment. Comprehensive exam on the blog, each topic from 2-3 chapters of the text (and they can connect the topic to other chapters as well). They were kind of scared of the blog. They will do good.

What a blessing to have two good groups. Thank God!